Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Apparently It Is Possible To Stake A Vampire With One's Bare Hands

My love for "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel" isn't something I keep close to the chest. Even to this day I still claim Joss as one of my key inspirations in writing. I can also admit when he does wrong, but I also know when he gets screwed over by Fox *Cough*Firefly*Cough* or the WB *Cough*Angel*Cough*. (Even though with Angel, half a season later the current CEO who replaced the one who canceled the show admitted it was a bad move. It was one of their highest rated shows, especially among male demographics which the network desperately needed.)

Anyway, Buffy, Angel, Spike, and even Giles I could see getting away with staking vampires with just their hands. However, Willow, Xander, and Cordelia not so much. See the body is a resilient thing and its pretty tough, and unless something happens when a vampire becomes a vampire that makes them like jello, it would be pretty hard to get a wooden stake into a person.

I'd like to note that "From Dusk Till Dawn" specifically said that vampires had a softer body and mentioned how hard it would be for a stake to get into a normal body. So at least they explained why tiny Juliette Lewis was able to pull a Buffy before Buffy even aired (well there's the movie, but the less said about the better).

Then, there's "Blade:Trinity" that had Jessica Biel, who admittedly is pretty buff, go toe to toe with vampires without any supernatural abilities. When in the previous two Blade movies it pretty much explicitly showed that unarmed even a trained human was pretty much toast. However, Miss Abigail Whistler was pulling out kung-fu that would have made Buffy blush even though there was no way for her to do that.

So you're like, "Okay Elf, what are you on?"

Well, after like over a decade later I can poke fun at this trope.
TV and movies liked to show underweight teenagers (or fake teenagers) with no muscle mass to speak of thrusting shards of wood into vampires’ hearts. Sometimes it was explained away about some little, young thing having supernatural strength, but when it came to her mundane friends that were backing her up? No explanation what so ever.

Forest could easily buy the large and Hollywood fit vampire boyfriend bare handedly staking his former undead brethren, but the sidekicks? Not so much. Forest knew very well that flesh and muscle was resilient, and then there was the whole rib cage that acted as protective casing for most of the major organs. Then there was the whole thing that wood wasn’t something that could cut through flesh for the most part. No, to get a wooden stake into a vampire required a lot of upper body strength

It felt entirely too good to write that honestly.

If you want to see more glib sarcasm, go read "The Law Unto Herself Chronicles: The Stolen".

(Hey I had to get that out there.)

Also, in other words, self-promotion is a fucking bitch.

The Trials and Tribulations of Self-Promotion

Man, self-promoting is a bitch.

Trying to get new readers is like walking the fine line of  not being entertaining but wanting to get your stuff across.  It's like pulling hen's teeth.  Especially if what you have isn't in physical form but is free online.

I really should hit up more conventions.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Needing A Name . . .

So, I'm getting ready to finish my online serial The Law Unto Herself Chronicles: The Stolen and originally I was going to just segue into the next Forest story.  It's called "Scream Queen" and takes place during the 1980's.  You know, that wonderful decade of Reganomics, movies that were unapologeticly violent and awesome like The Terminator, Aliens, Robocop, and so on and so forth, and hair metal.  It just happens to be the decade I was born in and the one I will probably always feel nostalgic about because dude, seriously The Terminator, Aliens, Robocop, and a whole slew of other movies I could spend a blog entry talking about.

Well, the closer I'm coming to finishing my serial, which if things go right I'll have published in novel form after JukePop releases it, I need a follow up.  Thing of it is, even though "Scream Queen" is something near and dear to my heart and something I've wanted to write for a while, I have another idea.  Or rather, an old idea that LUHC spawned from.

See, long time ago I had an idea for an Urban Fantasy series that involved four supernatural types human and other who were part of a police force to take care of supernatural crimes.  The whole basis was that the supernatural had been discovered and was common place now.  Sort of like the Anita Blake books or the amazing Anno Dracula series but it was a fairly recent thing. 

Well, my husband pointed out to me that if the supernatural was discovered an X-Men like situation would be the best case scenario.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized my proofreader/editor/hubby was right.  Then I realized how much more fun it would be to have this sort of maverick and dysfunctional group keep the world they live in secret from humanity.   They would essentially be working outside of the law to keep it secret even though one of them is a police detective.

Of course they would have sanction to do this.  There are shadowy government agencies for a reason.  Plus the Cloak and Dagger stuff is really fun to write.

I'm collecting my ideas together, and the cast of characters is a lot broader than LUHC, even though it takes place in the same universe.  In fact, those readers of LUHC will see several familiar faces in this series and Forest herself will make guest appearances from time to time. Of course, it has a totally different feel.  Say LUHC is Buffy if I'm using my Whedonverse examples because biggest inspiration and all of that, then this will be more like Angel.  Less tongue in cheek and more dire situations.  Not to mention a somewhat darker tone.

Now here comes the kicker.

What shall I call my motley crew?

The original concept was SPF short for Supernatural Protection Force.  Which, the more that I think of it, its kind of goofy.  Sounds like sunscreen.  Now of course, I could make jokes about vampires needing sunscreen and all of that but it would get lame really quick.

I was thinking something like The Shadow Guard or Umbra Praesidio which is Latin for Shadow Guard.  Plus its a play off one of the group's last names. 

So, what do you think, true believers?

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Writing Erotica: A How To Guide (NSFW obviously)

Know Your Anatomy!
If you don’t know how boy parts and girl parts work, then just stop right now.  I mean, really, just stop. Then read this because not only I’ve done a lot of research, has a father who is a nurse, but I’ve also had sex!  So, here’s your Anatomy 101.

The Penis

The male reproductive organ, the mighty penis.  You know what, on second thought the penis really isn’t all that mighty.  You try shoving a baby through that thing and see what happens.  It would end up looking like one of those creepy air things you see at Oil Changing stations that are suppose to look like people but look like eldridge abominations.  Plus one good shot to the penis and his two dirty pillows and a guy’s out for the count for a while.  Cunt punt a girl?  Chances are she’s going to be back in your face double quick.

 Anyway, back to the penis.

Average length for a penis is about 6 inches for an American male, about 5.1-5.5 for an Asian.  Most dudes don’t have foot long monsters that are as thick as a coke can.  Besides the vagina only goes so far, but that’s going to be in the next section.   I mean, don’t describe the penis as average, but don’t get specific about how large a character’s Johnson is, because chances are what you describe is going to be a two liter bottle.
Which is utterly terrifying. Now if you’re going for horror, then that’s okay.  And no butt nor vagina wants that going into them.  (Well, I’m sure you can google porn of it, but . . . that’s your decision, you weirdo.)
When describing a dick, use your judgment.  Read what you wrote and think, “Do I want this anywhere near me?” If not, then go back to the drawing board.  Also have someone read the descriptions as well.  If they wince, then it’s no good.

Anyway, writing about getting a guy off is a lot easier than writing getting a girl off.  Stimulation of the penis is pretty subjective.  Stroke the shaft, suck the head (even though to switch it off some guys don’t like having the head of their dick messed with that much), etc.  However there’s a pretty good size vein along the penis that apparently drives guys wild if it’s fondled, licked, and so on and so forth. (And it pulsates too, so there’s some good description to give your porn that extra bit of realism.)

Another thing?  I don’t care what doujinshi you’ve been reading, but guys don’t come buckets and buckets of semen.  Sorry to burst your bubble, but most men ejaculate 0.1 to 10 milliliters of semen when they orgasm.  There are five milliliters in a teaspoon, and fifteen in a tablespoon.  So most guys don’t jack off cups and cups of splooge when they go off.

If you’re writing a male character that is born before the 1880’s and not Jewish, they’re going to have a foreskin on their penis.  Hell, today it’s pretty much the US that still regularly circumcises male babies.  Over in Europe it’s not that popular.  There are a couple of reasons why.

Main theory that’s been shot around is that the foreskin is extremely sensitive. The research isn’t conclusive, there’s arguments about it, but it’s said to have erogenous nerve endings.   It also acts to protect the head of the penis, therefore making it more sensitive.  The foreskin, most of the time unless the guy has phimosis (which means the foreskin cannot contract completely), will retract when the penis becomes erect.

It also produces its own lubricants to an extent to help make intercourse easier.  Because of how the foreskin functions and where it’s located, there’s less chance of a vagina losing its lubrication during sex.  The foreskin also provides a “gliding” motion that can make intercourse more enjoyable and less abrasive than a circumcised penis.  Also, but take this with a grain of salt, that the foreskin helps stimulate the G-spot in women.  However, see what’s said about the G-spot about being a moot point in the vagina section.

I don’t know how those statements are true.  I’ve never had sex with a guy with a foreskin.  I’d advise asking someone who has and who has one.

Also, circumcised penises can have tiny scars under the head from when they were removed.  There’s an extra bit of detail for you.  That I find kind of sexy because I have a little bit of a scar fetish.

However neat and random fact, semen does contain mood enhancing chemicals in it.  It can also make a vagina more sensitive and receptive to stimulation.  It can also make a woman pregnant.  

Also, stimulating the testacies can be a mixed bag.  Some guys like it, some guys are like, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO MY BOYS?”  It’s something you just have to play by ear and decide what the male character likes.

The Vagina

From my experience, the hardest thing people have a lot in writing erotic is writing how a vagina works.  It’s like the vagina is some horrible and terrifying thing.  Like I remember seeing “Aliens” on the big screen at a special showing at a local indy theater.  During the scene where Bishop is dissecting the Face Hugger, my then boyfriend-now husband leans over and whispers, “That’s what I see every time I go down on you!”

He got smacked.

I promise that the vagina is not that scary, in fact, I happen to love my vagina.  After this section, I hope you, the reader, love vaginas more too.  Or at least have a better understanding how they work and learn that the clitoris isn’t some dinosaur and is exceptionally important.

Technically, the vagina is the inner cavity – the place where penises, toys and other things go into and babies come out –, but most people use it to describe the whole shebang.  First there’s the clitoris covered by the clitoral hood, the vaginal lips, urethra, and then the vaginal cavity.  Unlike men, who have one hole for both peeing and semen, women have the urethra for peeing and the vagina for . . . other things.

The vagina itself doesn’t have that many nerve endings.  They are along the very entrance, but inside not so much.  Simply because it’s made to squeeze a kid out of it.  Would making a channel made to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a lemon hyper sensitive a good idea?  No, because women wouldn’t be able to handle giving birth like they can.

Also, a penis doesn’t enter the womb during sex.  The cervix stops it.  If the penis goes through the cervix, then something is dreadfully wrong.  Also, the cervix can crush the head of a penis off if it manages to “enter” it.  Seriously, it can happen.  Look it up.  The cervix also doesn’t allow semen to just blast into the uterus when a man blows his load.

So, unless you want to write about a guy getting the head of his dick bit off by the girl’s cervix, which if you’re writing erotic horror that might be your thing, please don’t have the guy “press inside her womb” or some such nonsense.

So, despite popular belief, J-jaming anything in alone isn’t going to bring an orgasm in most cases.  Other places have to be stimulated.  So yuri writers that just has fingers inside the vagina to get the other girl off?  Wrong, wrong, and wrong again!

Now keep reading about the most plausible ways to have a girl achieve orgasm.

True, the G-spot is inside the vagina.  Traditionally it is positioned of the anterior wall about 5 centimeters from the entrance.  Usually under the urethra and the bladder .  It’s said that it can produce powerful orgasms and even cause female ejaculation when stimulated, and is also known as the female prostate.  It’s also hypothesized to be an extension of the clitoris as well.  It’s said that it feels sort of like a sponge, or that rough tissue you can touch with your tongue with the side of your mouth.  It feels different than the rest of the vagina.

However this is inconclusive.  In fact most women can’t have an orgasm from having their “G-Spot” stimulated.  Sadly, a lot of women can feel rather horrible and think they’re abnormal because they can’t have a “G-Spot Orgasm” when, in all truth, they are the majority, not the minority.

I’m not saying you can’t have your female character come buckets like this, but at least you know where it’s at now for future reference.

Now, this brings me to the clitoris, the glorious, and wonderful clitoris.

When you think about where the clitoris is placed, it’s rather odd.  It’s above the vagina and urethra and doesn’t really get any real contact during sex.  A fleshy hood, indeed called the Clitoral Hood, covers the clitoris until a girl is aroused.  The hood moves back and the clitoris becomes erect and hard, just like the penis does.  Ironically, the closer a girl gets to orgasm, the more the clitoris starts to retreat back into the hood.  (Which doesn’t make any sense.  Biology is weird, let me tell you.)

Freud was an idiot when he said only young girls should experience clitoral orgasms and not vaginal ones.  Obviously the guy had no idea how anatomy works and was obsessed with dicks anyway.  The truth is that the key to most female orgasms is stimulation to the clitoris via fingers, tongues, lips, or toys. Most studies show that Oral Sex is the best way for a woman to have an orgasm.  Listen to Dr. Drew.  The man knows what he’s talking about. (Besides it’s not fair for a guy to expect head from a girl and not return the favor.) Don’t get me wrong, a woman can orgasm from intercourse, but it does help if the clitoris is greatly stimulated beforehand.

Also, any girl having sex with another girl is going to know to attack the clitoris.  Simply because they know that’s good for them.  Things might be stuck inside the vagina, but I will guarantee you that most of the attention is going to be on –or around – the clitoris.  Let me note though, some girls do find direct clitoral stimulation uncomfortable or irritating, but are fine with the areas in very close proximity.  (The clitoral hood has its own share of nerves as well.)

Basically, the clitoris is the female equivalent to the penis.  Would you forgo the penis in a sex scene?  No.  So  don’t forget the clitoris.  It’s just as important, damn it.

Now that you know how to get a girl off for writing purposes, here’s what happens when she does.

When she’s aroused her breasts will get bigger (up to 25% in some cases), nipples will harden, her skin will become flushed, and her vagina will wet itself in preparation for penetration.  The vaginal lips will swell, and like I said above, the clitoris will harden and peek out of its hood.   The closer to orgasm the girl gets, the more the clitoris retreats back into its hood.  Now when a girl comes, it’s like everything fires at once.

There are rhythmic contractions in the vagina and uterus as her body convulses.  If someone or something is inside of her, it’ll fell like she’s clamping and squeezing onto them.  In some cases the contractions are so strong that, without enough pressure, she may force whatever is in her out.
 Now, there’s the fact that sex for a virgin girl is different than for a guy for an obvious reason.  It hurts the girl, even if they wore or tore through their hymen ages ago.  This is due to the fact that muscles that have never been stretched before are having something foreign thrust into them.  There isn’t always blood, but for porn’s sake there is because that’s what’s expected.
 However there are different types of hymens and they can be various thicknesses.  Also, despite what one has seen in doujinshi, the hymen covers/partially covers the entrance into the vagina.  There’s no going in a little bit and magical barrier appears. An athletic girl might not have that much trouble because that activity wears away a hymen.  Same with someone who regularly rides horses or a motorcycle.  Then there are girls who have hymens like fricken AT fields that are so thick that they may need surgery to get it taken care of.  So it varies, but there is always discomfort with First Time Sex.
 To make sure it’s easier for your heroine, and to make it sexier, have the partner take time to get the girl ready.  Fingering can wear down a hymen to make it easier to break.  In fact, fingers can break a hymen as easily as a penis can, if you want to add that into your sex scene for a bit of realism.  Which will add a bit of authenticity. 
 Also, oral sex, oral sex, oral sex.
 So hopefully I’ve made the vagina not so scary for you.  

Part Three: Surprise! Buttsex! (And Lubricants)

            For yaoi writers, this is pretty much the penetrative sex for two guys.  However buttsex appears in a lot of het fics as well.  So, the anus now lies defenseless before us and is a tricky path.
 So, anatomy time first: The anus is full of all sorts of delicious receptors and nerve endings.  Basically, the butthole is really sensitive.  For the men it is pretty much a guaranteed way to reach the prostate, and for a girl it’s an indirect way to stroke the G Spot , and more importantly, the internal parts of the clitoris. The sphincter muscle, that muscle that helps push poop out, is chock full of nerve endings that can feel pleasure as well as pain.
 Just the butthole is rather fragile.  The sphincter is made to push stuff out, not pull stuff in.  The tissues inside the anus tear very easily.  And, this is the kicker, even though there are mucus membranes in the butt, they in no way produce enough lubricant to promote anal sex.  (If they do, then something is very wrong.)
 Then there’s the issue of cleanliness.  I mean, it is the ass hole.  Poop comes out of there, and while one’s fetish maybe Scat, there’s a bunch of issues in there as well.  (Like it’s okay to go from vaginal to anal, or oral to anal, but you don’t want to do the reverse for obvious reasons.)  So there’s also cleaning issues to go on from there.  (In writing you just might want to gloss over it like “Character X had cleaned themselves before the main event, because they knew that the surprise buttsex wasn’t going to be a surprise.”)
 I mean, you don’t want to talk about Character X taking the Dump of All Dumps before getting down to the nasty.  Enemas can be a kink, but they can also be dangerous if one doesn’t know what they’re doing.  If you’re going to write about giving an enema before jamming it in the butthole, do your research.  Seriously, google it.
 Also, because the butthole is so fragile one has to work up to having anal sex.  Applying lube.  Fingering.  Scissoring.  Stuff to get the butthole relaxed before something is jammed into it.  Foreplay, like writing a defloration scene, is a huge part in anal sex because there is so much work to be put into it. Also the key is to go slowly, give the anus time to react to the alien invader.
 Since we talked about the act of anal sex itself, now here’s the key part of it, which will also be good for vaginal sex too: Lubricants.

Things That Work as Lubricants

Water Based Lubricants- Such as Astroglide or KY Jelly.  Google can give you multiple results. They may need to be reapplied due to the fact they can dry out and/or absorbed into the skin. However they are also safe with condoms.

Silicone Based Lubricants- May or may not be safe with condoms.  They feel different than water based lubricants, but they are not absorbed into the skin or dried out than water based lubes.  However not recommended with use of sex toys because they can break down the sex toys, and no one wants their dildo all wilted.

Oil Based Lubricants- Vaseline/Petroleum Jelly.  Not safe to use with condoms because they can cause the condom to deteriorate. 

Olive Oil- This is a historical lubricant, found in brothels in Greece and even Egypt.  So if you’re writing ancient buttsex this is the most common one to go to.

Tororojiru- The jelly like substance created when grating a Chinese Yam.  Historical research suggests that this was used heavily during the Edo period.  In fact, it was considered improper for a woman to eat noodles prepared with this substance due to the connotations of it.

Butter/Cooking Oils- If you can eat it, chances are it’s safe enough to put up the butt.  However, again, bad for condoms.

What Doesn’t Work as a Lube

Semen- Unless you have a whole team of guys able to produce, one on one, there’s just not enough semen to use as a good lubricant.  Plus it dries out rather quickly as well.

Motor Oil- I don’t care what Minotaur’s webpage says, Motor Oil does not make a good lube.  It can irritate, cause infection and inflammation as well.  Just because you’d pour it into your Hemi engine, doesn’t mean you should use it to lube up a pooper.

Saliva- Dries out too quickly.

Lotion- It gets absorbed into the skin too quickly.

Beer- No. No. No.  An asshole would absorb the alcohol in the beer at an extraordinary rate.  To the point where just a beer could be toxic.

Blood- Not even in vampire sex.  If there’s enough blood to coat the way, then one of the partners is so injured they can’t enjoy it.  Plus blood clots fairly quickly, which becomes glue like and sticky.

Mayonnaise and Mustard- Even though I said if you can eat it, it’s safe enough to put up the butt, it’s not exactly true.  Mayonnaise can go rancid with prolonged exposure to body heat.  Then mustard can be an irritant as well.

            So, there’s my short take on Buttsex.  Remember kids, One in the Bum won’t make her a Mum.

You Have the Basics, Now Get to the Porn!

            Characterization is key.  The point of writing porn of your favorite characters is that you want to watch your favorites fuck.  Remember what makes them tick and apply that to writing the sex scene. 
 For example, even though the sex scene in the "Unlimited Blade Works" route in the "Fate/Stay Night" visual novel was very painful, at least Rin was still very much in character.  She was trying to control the situation and it just ended badly for her.  And Shirou got his jackhammer on, but the less said about that the better.
 Like if I was to write a Lancer and Ayako sex scene, there would be a lot of him teasing and complementing her while she would be getting flustered.
 Also sex is a sensory experience.  Write about the stuff the characters are feeling (excitement, nervousness, fear, heart beating a million miles an hour, desire, need, possession etc).  Show how the cat wants to get into the bedroom because it was locked out.  Describe what the characters look like while aroused.  Describe what they sound like.  What they feel like. Smell like.  Taste like.  (Example, say Character A just drank a cup of earl gray tea.  They’ll taste like earl gray tea.)

           Don’t be afraid to get into the foreplay either.  Actually, it can be the sexiest part in sex.  Don’t be afraid to show blow jobs, going down on the heroine, fingering, etc.

            Now there’s your word choices.

            Depends on the sex scene.  What does the writer want to convey?  Making love?  Or hard kinky sex. 

            Sometimes describing what is happening, what is going on, etc is better than just saying, “He jammed his cock into her dripping pussy.”

            Euphemisms are an iffy thing.  If it makes you laugh, don’t use it. Never, ever use Tool. Ever.  Read your sex scene over.  If it turns you on, then chances are you did well.  If it brings a chuckle, rewrite it. Also penis and vagina can get clinical.  Describe stuff like warm, wet folds and thick head.  Get a little abstract about what one’s writing about.

            Also using the word “member” makes you sound like someone who’s wanting to be in a club.  And using “entering” sounds like someone walked through a door.  And you really can’t walk into someone’s vagina or butthole, unless you’re writing a porn fic about Antman and Wasp then . . . Well good for you.

Euphemisms for Penis:

One Eyed Trouser Snake
The Magical Fireman
John Thomas
Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger
Bald Headed Jesus
Admiral Winky
Heat Seeker
Man Canon
Meat Pole
Love Stick
Zipper Ripper
Throbbing Dart of Love

Euphemisms for Vaginas

Cunt (derogatory term, and just sounds nasty)
Quim (Yes, Loki in The Avengers basically called the Black Widow a Whinny Cunt)
Bearded Clam
Hair Pie
Birth Canon
Beef Curtain
Moose Knuckle
The Wound that Never Heals
Bucket of Wet Sponges
Knob Gobbler
Velvet Glove
Fancy Bit

More Than Just J-Jaming It In!

            There’s more to sex than just sliding Tab A into Slot B.  Talk about foreplay and other options than just penetrative sex.  Oral sex, manual stimulation etc.  Also mention that a lot of couples in the beginning don’t just jump into pure sex.  They experiment, and if one is writing a long story, it would be nice –and a good change of pace and trope breaking – to explore this in a story.

            When just doing a PWP don’t forget the warm up.  Girls don’t get horny by sucking someone off. I don’t care what you’ve seen as porn.  They need to be warmed up- kissed, caressed, nibbled, sucked on, licked, all sorts of fun stuff.

            And speaking as a woman, no, sucking someone off isn’t enough to get me ready.  It might arouse me, but it’s not going to be enough to get me ready.  Two guys fucking, yes.  Then again, men are different.  It doesn’t take them much to get ready.

Know Your Kink

            So now you’ve got the basis down and suddenly, in your twenty chapter epic yuri fics, you have Heroine A tie Heroine B and spank her.  You’ve written some light bondage, humiliation, and spanking.  Good for you.

            Now, if you’re going to write a kink, for the love of god, research it.

            Look at the 50 Shades of Shit novels, it’s pretty obvious that the woman didn’t research BDSM.  BDSM has a whole subculture that if someone is a part of it and read it, they would be pissed off.  Not to mention, it adds to realism and doesn’t sound like you’re pulling stuff out of your ass.

            Oh, and it keeps your story from getting creepy.

            Like, if I wanted to write some yaoi hate sex fic with Hero A getting creative with and inserting something into Hero B's urethra.  I’m going to research the hell out of male sounding to get it right.

            Also, if writing a specific kink, don’t be afraid to use some of its technical terms from time to time.  Or showing what a Safe Word is and so on and so forth.

            Now for the fun of it, here are a list of kinks for one look up.


Domination and Submission
BDSM- Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism
Age Play
Role Playing
Foot Worship
Scat Play
Chastity Belts
Orgasm Denial
Rape Fantasies
Food Play
Horse Play
Sensory Depravation (Blind folds etc)
Public Nudity

 So, there you have it, my messy guide to writing porn. Knock yourself out.